The Cliche....It's almost been a year.

As the days inch closer to April 28th, 2013, I find my anxiety growing more and more each day.  What's going to happen?  How will I act?  And what I'm most afraid of...what will I do between the hours of 1 and 6:30 am?  Will I stare in silence at my bed?  Will I cry uncontrollably?  Will I pray?  Will I even be in my room, by my bed and his crib?  Will I run to the cemetery?  Will his headstone be there?  Will it be what I want?  Do I even want to see it?  Will it be the peace I have been waiting for?  Or, will it be the thing that triggers the finality of the fact that he's gone?  At 1 o'clock in the morning on April 28th, I will run over and over in my mind the last moments I saw my baby's face, when he was alive, in my arms...where he was supposed to be safe.  And then it will skip to 6:30 in the morning when I awoke to see the horror I already knew....he was already cold and blue.  The way his eyes slivered and his bottom lip was barely slivered open as well.  The way it felt to feel my own air come back on my cheek through his nose.  

Have I been over these thoughts?  At times.  Do they come back?  All the time.  Did I feel guilty?  Of course!  Did I realize it wasn't truly my fault?  Possibly.  Will I ever know for sure?  Probably not.  It's been almost a year.....

My family has made me proud.  We have accomplished some wonderful things since we lost Madden.  Those things have brought amazing light and love and the word and love of Christ into our Home.  Have I made myself proud?   Sometimes.  I accomplished some big things with MADD-SAAC.  Am I going to be able to do it again?  Will it still be as important to everyone else?  Do they think it was just a "phase" I needed to go through?  I know one thing.  My son...his life had a purpose!  He meant something!  I believe his purpose was to bring my family to Christ, back to Him.  It's not just listening to the music or going to Church or even tithing...all of which we do on a regular basis.  We go to family discipleship, women's and men's groups, take our Children to Awana...we are slowly making these amazing changes in our lives. And none of this would have happened without Madden...or the loss of Madden.

And...where am I?  Where am I now, and where should I be? Although we have made it this far, tougher things are ahead to truly follow in the way of our Father.  We have idolatries and bad habits.  We curse and smoke.  These are things that require self control, work, perseverance   Am I even capable of this right now, and if I don't keep moving forward in the right direction am I not allowing his death to be in vain?  If I can't find the courage to keep moving forward and give up the other idolatries in my life, am I failing my baby....that died for my family's redemption?

And what about having another baby?  I knew immediately after losing Madden I would want another baby. Now it seems like almost every single Mom in my SIDS group is having one, and though I feel jealous...I haven't felt like our marriage or finances have been strong enough since losing Madden to have another one.  But, I want another baby, I had a dream lat night that I was pregnant.  Am I able to drop my meds cold turkey again to have another baby?  What kind of emotional problems would I encounter during a pregnancy?  Is my body ready?

Is there where I'm supposed to be?  It's almost been a year.....and HE WAS MY BABY!  MY BABY!!