Triggers

Something happened to me today.  It happens quite often over time.  Sometimes once in a month or sometimes even more than once a day.  I guess there's no better word for it than 'triggers'.  These 'triggers' can be anything from a hair raising moment of deja vu to a startling skip of my heartbeat caused by my own shock of realization.  All the photographs I have of Madden, or any of the celebrations or memorials since his passing, are saved to a USB chip that I keep with me at all times.  Today, I went to use the photo machine, as I have several times before, because I was going to take a new photo and frame out to the grave with his new flowers for Easter/Spring until his headstone arrives.  To get to the point....my favorite photograph of Madden, the one of him just smiling that I used for all his memorial items was organized by date on the USB because it was off of  a cell phone.  The photo was taken on March 6, 2012.  All of a sudden, as I knelt at his grave staring at this photograph (of course, I hadn't shook the date from my head in the meantime), I closed my eyes and felt as if I was right there.  With him right in front of me in his little bouncy seat.  I was tossing his little flannel blanket at his face and pulling it off, hence the perfect smiles for mommy's pictures.

A month or so ago, well after I'd given any thought to anything of Madden's being 'around the house', I had pretty much cleaned out all of his things, albeit his crib and changing table in my bedroom.  I was reaching for ice cream bowls and apparently went to a stack we hadn't used in awhile, as I pulled out one of Madden's teething rings that somehow survived the clean out....

A few weeks ago, I came home to my room, to find the crucifix from Madden's funeral was chewed on by our boxer.  My 5 year old son had been in Madden's crib and taken it out, and not put it back or shut my door.  That was not a good night.....

I'm preparing to enroll my 5 year old in Kindergarten, my daughter will be in 2nd grade.  All I can think of while my body numbly goes through this process is....I was supposed to be home with Madden.  What am I going to do?  School?  My husband thinks it's an excuse.  Work?  I could never stay focused!  Where do I belong now?

The fact that, after a year....the smell seems to be finally fading off of his spit rag.  And that, at this time last year, I was spending my last weeks and days with my baby.  These are all just a few of the 'triggers' that strike me at any given moment.  In line at Walmart, sitting at a red light or doing the dishes.  I fight this battle everyday.  And let me tell you, and I promise you.  Stop telling your loved ones it'll get easier.  It's different.  Everyday is different, not easier.