The Reality of a Rainbow

Several times over the last year, I have thought about writing.  When I am on the computer and go to my Bookmarks, I see my blog page and I wonder if I will ever write again.  When did you choose to stop?  It seems to have brought me peace and the words flowed so easily, so why did I cease in letting it out?  Why did I begin to look at is as a chore or a task?  I guess, it's not as big of a deal as I am making it, as with many things.  I don't know why I choose to write today....

It is early afternoon and I am sitting home with my six year old, whose been home all week due to strep throat and a double ear infection.  I have been doing my best lately to keep up and prepare at the same time.  Today, I am running back and forth between laundry, cleaning, helping him finish homework and a project for school, and setting up my room for the new baby.

Before I started to write, I went back and read my previous posts from last year.  I was especially caught up in my first post, talking about how I wanted a "Rainbow Baby" and wondering if we were even ready.  I guess, when it comes down to it, God decides when you are "ready".  I remember when I found out I was pregnant.  Just after the 4th of July, I was feeling sick and ultimately ended up going into the Emergency Room.  I should have known, really I should have.  This is my fourth baby, and yet, every time, I think I'm just sick...ha!  The doctor came back in and told me I was pregnant and there was no control.  My hands started to tremble and tears started to fall.  To this day, I don't know if I was scared, nervous, excited, happy, or a combination of it all.  I had my husband sent up to join me, where I told him in person.  He asked why I was crying, "This is a good thing!" he said.  I went through the upcoming months feeling downright horrid, starting everyday over the toilet.  As my pregnancy carried on and various "side-effects" of pregnancy went away, new ones arrived.  Almost as if God was just finding ways to point out to me that this baby was different.  My entire pregnancy was different from all the other three.  Harder on my body and my mind.  To say it's taking it's toll would be an understatement.

As with all of my time since Madden passed though, I feel I handled it well.  The emotional end anyway.  As I read posts and feelings from other grieving Moms, no matter how far passed their baby's death they are, I feel like I don't compare.  Like I just haven't maintained such a strong element of grief and wondered why I'm doing so much "better".  I have realized lately that I'm not.  I remember that grief is a journey, on which we encounter most of the same emotions and feelings, but for different lengths of time and at different times during our journey.  For me, many emotions have hit harder this last few weeks.  I have gone from being pregnant, to realizing that we ARE having a baby.  The reality that a new baby will be in the crib, in my room, in our home has found my heart..  Though on the outside, I seem to have kept up my strength, on the inside thoughts have become such a whirlwind, it takes me well into an hour to fall asleep after I've become comfortable on my four pillows.  I feel so lost in some areas, even alone; yet so certain in others.  I feel like while we have maintained a strong home and marriage, my husband I have lost something huge.  I feel as though I've lost my best friend.  He has no idea how I feel about many of these things, nor I him.  I feel like while we happily handle our day-to-day with our kids, once they are in bed, we have become two strangers in their own worlds, sitting in the same room.  The there are the things I am certain of.  I am certain that "mistakes" or "risk-factors" will not be tolerated when our new baby comes home.  I am certain I will have five times the caution and emotion as a brand new mom.  We WILL follow the ABC's of Safe Sleep, I will NOT co-sleep during the night with my baby.  My new motto, "If question it, I won't do it."

I will continue to force myself to finish preparing my home for the new baby's arrival.  I know I am pushing myself sometimes, but it's all I know to do.  I am and have been in a lot of pain during this last month or so, but now that the "Reality of our Rainbow" has hit home, I have to be as prepared as possible.  I won't over-do it, but I will keep it up.  Because I know that once this baby is delivered, I cannot predict how I will feel or act, or what I will want to or not want to do.  I know that I will want to be comfortable in a clean home as I sort out the emotions of being a mom again, to a little baby.  A little baby once again in my room, in our home, in his crib.  And I only have 14 more days now, so yes, yes, I will finish cleaning and preparing.  I think that is all I can do right now.  And I think, I am going to try and rekindle the friendship, because I need my best friend right now, my husband, the only other person who can possibly know what I am feeling....I hope.