The Cloud of April Looms Over Me, So I Fix My Eyes...

What is it, April?  Is it the word?  The automatic association to the name of a month?  or Spring?  To most, and once to me...April signified springtime, rain puddles, flowers, Easter, my Mom's birthday.  Now, what is it about that word that is just so...unsettling?  It is just now, as it was before.  April is a word, the name of a month or person, a symbol of a season.

And, I knew, like any other person does, that after March, comes April.  First, April Fool's Day :)  "Happy Fool's Day Mom!" Mason was so proud to rejoice all day long!  I was good.  I was positive.  I had been on top of this, rolling with the punches, staying one step ahead of grief on "our journey" together.  And you know what?  I was wrong, because it's like I was just standing there and BOOM!!!  Something was different.  All around me.  In my house, all around me.  Stronger in some places, at some times or when feeling a "trigger".  But, it hasn't gone away.  I feel like I am fighting an uninvited presence.  It is a life consuming monster.  I was not prepared for this.  Not this new strong, collected, walking by Faith Amanda.

After struggling this darkness for the beginning of the month, and feeling defeated at most times; this "presence" is not all around me, but within me.  I am carrying it everywhere I go.  I am.  But, understand...it is not a grudge, it is not guilt, it is not a certain feeling, it was not chosen by me, but chosen for me.  And though I keep trying, I cannot 'prepare' for the upcoming anniversary, I can breathe.  I can fix my eyes upon the Cross and give all my weights, worries, troubles, concerns, thoughts and stress over to the Lord.  I can give it all to my Savior.

"For I know the plans I have for you, " declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11